I was no longer living in the moment and in the things that I loved. I was resentful and angry because I hadn't been treating myself the way I wanted to be treated. It was time to make some changes.
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I was that kid who once I knew what I wanted I was quick to make a decision and it was dear near impossible to get me to change my mind. Hell, I'm still like this... but I've had some growing up to do.
After all, now I have a husband and kids that I need to factor in to most decisions.
The other thing that I usually did as a child was figure out how to make that decision a reality on my own.
I was the oldest of 5 kids. My parents had twins when I was 8. Things had to change really fast. I adapted really quickly. I had to in order to keep the peace and survive in my family.
Often times, I was making decisions to take care of others around me rather than my own needs, desires, and emotions.
Fast forward to adulthood.
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Grief really is a journey and feeling all of the emotions is the only way to keep on moving forward.
So, I stopped and felt the emotions for a minute sending those tender feelings some kindness. And, I felt loved. I felt enough in that moment. Grateful for the love that I can still feel from my mom.
It took me 9 years of parenthood to plan a trip on my own. My friends and I hadn't seen each other in 11 years because....well...life!
A mixture of emotions flooded me that week and upon return--relief, gratitude, exhaustion, joy, excitement, sadness, anxiety, worry, and on and on.
I felt alive in all the possible ways.
