Let's talk about why I have to establish safety everywhere I go.
As a child of an alcoholic, life was uncertain, even a bit chaotic. Then, you throw in 5 kids and a mom that was just keeping her head above water and it's a recipe for childhood trauma.
I didn't know what to expect from my parent's behaviors and I didn't feel safe at times. That feeling carried into adulthood. I can be hyper vigilant at times and take a long time to trust people. As a child, I looked like a deer in the headlights trying to take it all in and I was labeled as very shy.
When I left for college, I knew I needed strategies to be able to accomplish my dreams and stay self regulated. I found my yoga practice and on my mat, I felt a sense of safety. I was excited to be able to bring my mat with me, carrying this feeling of certainty wherever I traveled.
Now, as a mom, I don't always have the option to roll out my mat. I've developed this feeling of safety within. It has taken years and years of practice and you know what, I'm still not perfect.
When I do feel threatened by my children's behavior and I forget to go inward to find my safety, I then have to send myself some loving kindness. After all, we are all a work in progress, right?
Watch this week's video here.
Are you ready to learn the foundational SafeSeat Practice from Purejoy Parenting?
I offer an 8 week Parenting Paused course where we slow everything down so we can attune to our children in the moment and self regulate.
Grab the Free PDF 15 Ways to Build Self compassion here
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There were many really hard times in my childhood that left my parents unavailable to really help me navigate my emotional needs.
First of all, my dad was an alcoholic. He would have some really bad spells when he would not come home until really late at night or he would be just plain angry and belligerent.
This was very scary to me. Many nights I was awakened by him being really loud and arguing with my mom. I started to learn to tip toe around him or avoid him all together.
I learned that my needs were less important than keeping the peace in the family.
My mom dealt with her own anxiety and depression, which sometimes left her unable to cope with any of her children's struggles. She had to work full time and then on the weekends often needed some time away from it all.
Understandable.
My parents were extremely loving and they cared beyond words. They had endearing memories and nicknames for each one of my siblings. They would do anything to protect us from harm.
But, they both had emotionally unavailable parents far worse than any of my experiences.
For a child with big emotions and a giant caring heart, I didn't want to be another stress and burden so I kept a lot of my struggles to myself. I didn't ask for help. I became very self reliant and independent. I developed these strategies to survive in my family.
But, I really wanted parents that could hear me, understand me, and give me space to be vulnerable. I didn't know that at the time because I was busy being 'strong.'
Watch this video about the 3 Ways YOUR Parent was Emotionally Unavailable.
I've had to reparent myself.
My parent coaching program empowers you to feel it all.
We reparent ourselves so we can show up for our kids with our adult capacities.
Grab the Free PDF 15 Ways to Build Self compassion here
